In my “Hits and Misses for 2011” last week, I wrote of my New Year’s Resolution to learn patience. I am still patiently waiting for that to happen. But there are some other unfinished resolutions as well. My final post of 2010 was “Spread This Around: My New Year’s Resolution About Gossip.” In it, I wrote the following:
“I resolve in 2011 to make myself a better person by not setting into motion news based on rumor, innuendo, and half-truths. If I have news to tell, I will first check its truthfulness, and then check my motivation for passing it along.”
There were lots of comments. One reader told a story about a woman who confessed her tendency to spread gossip. For her penance, she was asked to bring a feather pillow to the roof of her house that night, cut it open, and let its contents fly away upon the wind. Then the next morning she was to go out and collect the feathers. “That’s impossible,” she protested. “My point exactly,” said the priest.
It’s a potent story, but don’t be misled by it into a presupposition that women are more likely than men to be purveyors of gossip. It isn’t so, and priests, among men, are also not exempt.
But the last half of my resolution for last year – to check my motivation for passing news along – proved to be the biggest challenge. Like everyone else, I am capable of self-delusion. If I am saying something about a person I dislike, I don’t always want to know my motivation. If I do know it, I don’t always want to see it. If I do see it, I don’t always want to face it. If I do face it, I seldom want anyone else to know about it. My own confessor – a priest from New York who is likely reading this post and plans a visit to me next week – tells me “Welcome to the human race!” I see his point, but I still want to repeat last year’s resolution. I want to know my motivations and admit them more clearly.
When I sin, I want to know that I have sinned, and why. It is spiritually self-defeating to simply dismiss sin with a trite, “God understands the human condition, and smiles upon us.” Fortunately, I have a confessor who never does that. Sometimes I imagine his frown on the face of Christ, and it motivates me to try harder. I think the most important part of “My New Year’s Resolution About Gossip” last year was this:
“I have come to know in a very personal way the harm that a rumor can cause, and I never want to be the source of such harm for others. I have come to know that a Church that reflects mercy and justice begins right here in my own heart and soul, and I invite anyone who agrees with that to join me in my resolution.”
The invitation remains open, and I fully expect I’ll be repeating it again this time next year – if not for your sake, then for my own.
AND A RESOLUTION ABOUT LOSS
When I was ordained a priest on June 5, 1982, I received a gift from one of my childhood friends who then died shortly after I was ordained. It was a framed reproduction of Fra Angelico’s magnificent painting, “The Annunciation,” and it was one of my great treasures. I had a central spot for it on the wall in all the places I’ve lived since then, except this one.
As I described in my All Souls Day post, “The Holy Longing,” however, every material thing I’ve ever owned and treasured became lost when another good friend died suddenly while I was in prison. This happens to many prisoners over time. After I grieved at the sudden loss of too many good friends, I also came to grips with the cold, hard fact that every material thing I’ve ever owned and treasured in this world is gone after 17 years in prison.
Losing everything causes a radical reorientation of all priorities, something for which I beg the Lord daily that none of you will ever need to learn firsthand. I remember once having a New Year’s resolution that I would try to be more “detached” from my meager possessions. Be careful what you ask for! Detachment, when forced by the circumstances of an unchosen life, can be heartbreaking.
Sometimes losses are devastating. The loss of freedom is devastating, and so is the loss of a reputation, of one’s standing in the world. The loss of loved ones is the most devastating of all. The problem with loss is that, once it is experienced, all trust for this life can feel broken and difficult to replace.
So then what comes next? What fills the void that trust once filled? I found that answer last month in the First Reading from the Book of the Prophet Isaiah (61:1-2) for the Third Sunday of Advent:
“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good tidings to the afflicted; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim a year of the Lord’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn.”
Don’t misunderstand me. This isn’t about me in prison. It’s about Christ entering my prison. It has been my Epiphany to come to understand through loss that Christ fills the void in these empty places, and the loss of all trust in this life is rightly re-placed in Him.
So my resolution for the New Year in 2012 is to let the mourning of loss become the triumph of the Spirit.
It’s a tough sell to a world that measures success in the most material of terms. It’s an even tougher sell within me, however, having to witness the world of grace from within prison walls, at least for now. Hence, the resolution.
POSTING TO MY WALL
Most readers know that when I write for These Stone Walls, you all get to see the finished post many days before I do. I send out only typewritten pages. Our friend, Charlene, scans them for me and emails the post to Suzanne, our editor, who works miracles with her photo-journalism and editing skills. When I received a copy of my Advent post, “Down the Nights and Down the Days” in the mail, I was very moved to see Fra Angelico’s “The Annunciation” reproduced within it. Then a nice TSW reader sent me a beautiful Christmas card bearing that same image.
Now, after all these years of loss, Fra Angelico’s “The Annunciation” is back on my wall. Thank you! I just gazed up at it as I was typing this, and my mind’s overactive ear heard Frank Sinatra’s voice singing, “I’ll be seeing you in all the old familiar places.” It’s nice having something so familiar back on my wall. Thanks!
DOING TIME
The Feast of the Annunciation on March 25th figures prominently in this post. If the new translation of the Roman Missal has you missing the old and familiar responses in the Mass, consider some truly startling changes our ancestors had to adjust to. One of them was the very calendar we live by and take for granted. Until 1582, and a new calendar adopted by Pope Gregory XIII, New Year’s Day was on March 25, the Feast of the Annunciation.
The calendar is an ancient device. Before the time of Julius Caesar, the year was divided into ten months, not twelve. We still have remnants of this ancient system in the names of the months. In Latin, September, October, November, and December mean, successively, the seventh, eighth, ninth, and tenth months.
Since the time of Julius Caesar, calendar divisions have been based on the movements of the earth and the regular appearances of the sun and moon. A day is measured by a single rotation of the earth on its axis. A year is a single revolution of the earth around our sun. In more ancient times, however, a month was measured as the time between one full moon and the next. This measurement, called a Lunar month, resulted in a Lunar year of 354 days. The year ended up being slightly more than eleven days too short for a full revolution of the earth around the sun. So by the time of Julius Caesar, the seasons had shifted. In the Northern Hemisphere, winter ended up in the spring, and summer in the fall.
In 45 B.C., Julius Caesar fixed the calendar by abandoning the Lunar month and instituting the solar year. There were no weeks in the Julian calendar. The week, as we know it, comes solely from the Judeo-Christian tradition of rest on the seventh, or Sabbath, day.
In 1582, Pope Gregory instituted what we today call the Gregorian Calendar. It was a correction of the flawed Julian calendar in that it fixed all years divisible by 400 as leap years, with 29 days in February. This became adjusted again to reflect 28 days in February with a 29th day every four years. This year, 2012, is a leap year, and February 29 is a post day on These Stone Walls.
Pope Gregory’s revision of the calendar also changed the way we measure the passage of years. He instituted a system based upon the birth of Christ so that the years since were referred to in Latin as “Anno Domini,” meaning “In the year of the Lord.”
For almost 1,000 years – from the time of Constantine in the late fourth century until the institution of the Gregorian calendar in 1582 – New Year’s Day was March 25, the Feast of the Annunciation. The year began as the life of Christ began.
New Year’s Day became January 1 only after Pope Gregory’s revision was accepted throughout Catholic Europe and parts of Asia. Pope Gregory’s revised calendar was adopted on October 4, 1582, and to fix the problem with the mathematics of time, the next day was proclaimed to be October 15. The year would henceforth end on December 31 – the end of the twelfth month which, before Julius Caesar, had been the tenth month.
Remember all this if a part of you is resisting adjustment to the new translation of the Roman Missal. It was especially a challenge for our friend, Pornchai Moontri, who became Catholic only a year-and-a-half ago. He spent a year memorizing the prayers and responses of the Mass, but in recent weeks he has had to re-learn everything. In the first two Sundays of Advent, Pornchai gave up trying to find the correct responses on the handy “Pew Card” we received, and just started responding “And with your Spirit” to everything, thinking he would be correct about 70 percent of the time. And I don’t even want to tell you what he did with the word, “consubstantial.” He has since, however, become very familiar with the revisions which he says he likes. Perhaps he became a bit too conscientious. Now he points out every word that I miss.
The point of all this is that change is a challenge – especially for prisoners. So another resolution for the New Year is to try to accept change – and the things I cannot change – with as much grace and serenity as I can summon.
REMEMBER, LORD, YOUR SERVANTS
Three years ago this week, on January 8, 2009, my friend, Father Richard John Neuhaus departed this life after a brief recurrence of cancer. Three weeks earlier, he wrote of the loss of another dear friend, Cardinal Avery Dulles. I wrote of them both at this time last year in a post titled, “In Memoriam: Cardinal Avery Dulles and Fr. Richard John Neuhaus.” Here’s an excerpt:
“There are some whose loss leaves a void of such magnitude that it can never really be filled. Cardinal Dulles and Fr. Neuhaus earned the title of ‘public theologians,’ and the empty places where they once stood will remain with an aura of absence for a long, long time. There is simply no one quite like them in the Catholic Church in America or in the entire religious arena of the American public square. If you’ve looked at our ‘About’ page, you know that both Cardinal Dulles and Father Neuhaus were the inspirations for These Stone Walls which came into being just months after their deaths. They urged me to write … “
So the credit for These Stone Walls – or the blame, as the case may be – goes to them. That is more true than you may know. Cardinal Dulles asked me to add “a chapter to the volume of Christian writings from those who were wrongly imprisoned.” So I did, and, thanks to a truly great Catholic editor in Australia, the chapter Cardinal Dulles called for is These Stone Walls. You would do a great service to the memories of these two men, and to my own heart that dearly misses them still, if you would help spread word of TSW. I also ask you to re-visit my post, “In Memoriam: Cardinal Avery Dulles and Fr. Richard John Neuhaus.”
Meanwhile, I pray for the fulfillment of the Prophet Isaiah’s promise to us. May you know a year of favor from the Lord. May the Lord bless you and keep you in 2012.
Editor’s Note: Several of you have expressed a desire to join Fr. MacRae in a Spiritual Communion. He celebrates a private Mass in his prison cell on Sunday evenings between 11 pm and midnight. You’re invited to join in a Holy Hour during that time if you’re able.
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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
WOW again! This brought back many memories to me. I lost 2 gold, expensive chains taken by a lady who was my helper. I wanted to Wear one and both were gone. I called her and she came over. Not only did she take them, she had them melted down. She and her husband owed the electric company $1,800. I paid the bill. I said oh darn or something like that (grin) but then I can’t believe it, I told her that I too was a big sinner and asked her to repent and explained it to her. I hugged her as she was in tears, and sent her home. That was the biggest lesson on materialism I ever received and it was all Grace.
I have been sick for a long time and reading Father’s post about being in a cell really picked me up. My cell is a sick cell. I live alone. Now I have Father and friends with me. Praise God! I used to gossip but there is no one to tell it to. There are some good things about being with Jesus and my new friends.
My resolution for this year is to catch a complaining thought and end the sentence with …..and yet ? I am soon having another surgery AND YET? It will allow me to do something such as offering it up. I am so blessed all of the time that it makes me happy most of the time. Thank you Father, Charlene, and Pornchai. I love you more than you can know. Sheila
As a faithful reader of this blog (though sometimes a little late) I have come to understand that Catholics can too often exhibit the same malaise toward the Church as Americans often do toward their government. There is an apathy in the masses that believes leadership will take care of everything including the great injustice we have all been reading about right here. So my resolution for this year is to add to your voice not only in protest what has been wrong but in a demand for justice the basic justice toward human beings that we call civil rights that has been denied to you and many others. You have educated us to the fact that only one side of the story has been heard by the bishops, by the courts, and the news media, and even in two many Catholic blogs. It’s time that those of us with some justice and courage in our hearts to take up this cause and speak up on your behalf. I hope others join me in this resolution. As you once wrote, every witch hunt is driven by the clamor of a few and the silence of many.
Father, it’s 10:59 here in Texas, which I know is 12 over there in East Coast.
Let me be one of those in attendance at your Sunday Mass.
Hello Fr. Gordon: I have marked the anniversary of your ordination on my calendar. You are in my prayers and will be most especially so on June 5.
Father,
How very true is this recent “musing”. I am so grateful to have your website in my life – it is so inspiring and uplifting! I don’t know how you do it, Father. It seems almost humanly impossible to have the perseverance and clarity of why and how you remain in those stone walls. Do not give up. I will not give up on you!
Everything I read here brings me closer to God.
Father Gordon, his fellow inmates and the readers who post here enrich my spiritual life immeasurably.
God bless you all.
Happy New Year Father G and to all in the Big House.Thank you for enriching the old year!
my dear Father McRae,
As you know nothing happens on earth without God’s knowledge and His plans are very different than ours. Sometimes we try to figure out why we are where we are! I truly believe and my personal o pinion is that you are there for people like me. You know God speaks to me thru many venues, and Father you are one of those venues. So your suffering is doing good on earth and hopefully in heaven and purgatory. You are in my prayers daily as I pray my rosary to the Blessed Virgin Mary
Dear Father,
I adopt also your resolution for 2012, which is exactly the kind of inspiration my soul was aspiring to to face with courage the coming year:
“So my resolution for the New Year in 2012 is to let the mourning of loss become the triumph of the Spirit.”
You also wrote “it’s a tough sell to a world that measures success in the most material of terms”, but I can assure you that even outside the prison walls, only the world of grace appeals to me and gives me some hope and peace to my soul.
With you in spirit, aspiring to love, truth and justice, in heaven, as this cannot be attained in this world where we can use the time to evolve spiritually and pray for this world of sinners.
Dear Father,
I wish you a happy and holy “Festival of Lights”, a term that I do not deny as my roots are Russian; I fully understand the size!…
Holy and joyful “Theophany”! Святой и радостным “Богоявление”!
I have a special thought for all of you at Mass tomorrow.
In Caritate Christi per Mariam (Mediatrix of all graces)
Lionel
New Years’ Greetings, Father MacRae. This post of yours has contributed a lot to my day. The part about gossip is especially important in this age of the internet. The line between fact and gossip seems so often blurred. I live in a town of 2500–do the math! I had heard the feather-pillow example several times, and it is still as relevant as the first time.
I am glad that you once again have the art that you love. May it comfort your spirit in a special way.
Most important is the statement that only Christ can fill the void left by loss. As the 62-year-old wife of a 70-year-old man in poor health, and myself in poor health, I think we are both learning this, and it gets less theoretical and deeper in the soul daily. Thanks be to God for His unspeakable gift–we have both become Catholic within the last two years. As I contemplate receiving Christ’s body, blood, soul and divinity in the Eucharist-I have no problems at all, really.
Rejoicing in hope,
Barbara
Father, I said my rosary this morning, but I didn’t get a chance to read one of my OTHER favorite reads, “In Conversation With God” the series of daily readings for every day of the year by Francis Fernandez Carvajal, a priest of Opus Dei, which I would send to you had I not learned how constrained you are in how many books you are able to possess at any one time. I consciously made the decision to make your column my reading to start out my day.
I will have to read it several more times. It is like a rich tapestry with so many stories beautifully woven into it, all the more beautiful I have to say because of the miracle of a prison priest talking about so many of the very same temptations and vices which I am seeking to overcome.
Gossip is something I’ve always been repulsed by, but there have been a few occasions when I’ve caught myself either passing along a true story that nevertheless spoke ill of someone else, or more infrequently passing along something of which I’m not sure. I don’t think I have more than once or twice deliberately said something bad or deceptive about someone out of malice, but I flinch from being certain of that and the way that my gut tightens makes me think that perhaps rather than one or two there might have been 4 or 5 or even, though I so don’t want to believe it of myself, more.
God does see all and I have actually been blessed to have seen first hand the harm of gossip and have loathed it more because of that and also been blessed to not judge quite so quickly anymore, because I’ve recognized malice more easily in reports of others by our media, by peers and even by others more well intentioned.
There is a present day greed to believe gossip. I believe that this could be due to the emptiness and loss of so many without God. They do not search inside of themselves and listen for God, and so their deprivation of this Holy gift, of union with God through prayer, conscience, confession, Eucharist and evangelizing through the simple act of humbly serving and loving others, coarsens their spirit and leads them to all the vices in The Enemy’s handbag, gossip being a standard favorite. The gift of union with God feeds us so perfectly and cannot be replaced by anything else to give us joy. Naturally the absence of this will leave us starving and desperate to find some alternative to feed. An impossibility.
I believe that there is so much of the “Forgive Them Father for they know not what they do” because these super duper fabulously expensive educations are nothing more than sewage. Those who teach now are so many of them without any consciousness of their own souls and any life beyond this one. The religious studies courses are an abomination taught by atheists and agnostics and in my own case was largely instrumental in my lapse from Catholicism for over 10 years. I have seen the phenomenon repeated too often to not recognize that my own case was not unique.
As I said, I’ll have to read this again because my comments above were only regarding one fraction of this woven tapestry that so coincides with my own resolutions…ironically one of mine is to not write so much that people primarily use my words as the cure for insomnia.
God bless you and give you peace and joy, Father. I am looking for a book now on how mystics and hermits found joy even in incarceration. It was just something that came upon me this morning. Strangely it was independent of my thinking about you.
Dear Fr. Gordon: What wonderful information about our present calendar. I knew vaguely of both the Gregorian and Julian calendars, but nothing about their compliation. I have now had a histsory lesson, and it was wonderful!
Your new year’s resolution is indeed very challenging, and I will try to do the same.
How do you manage to write so much, so quickly? It seems that only a few days ago, I received your last post, and today, there is another one. I enjoy them all immensely, and I foward them and http://www.thesestonewalls.com, whenever I can.
You are always in my prayers, and each Monday morning, from 10.00 a.m. – 11.00 a.m., I have an hour’s adoration in a Perpetual Adoration Chapel; during that hour, I pray for you.
I have often thought that TSW has some of the best graphics and layout of the blogs I read. Suzanne is amazing. She always seems to find just the right picture for whatever you are talking about. It’s incredible how God brings TSW together with Charlene, Suzanne and I think you said somebody else, but I can’t remember his or her name. (Oh, and you pounding away on your typewriter too, of course, Father!)
BTW, I *try* to pray for the souls Cardinal Dulles and Fr. Neuhaus, but when I look at their smiling pictures I can’t help but think that they must be in heaven. My dad used to tell me to always pray for people’s souls and never assume, but it’s hard in these cases! I did force myself to say a pray for them today “just in case.” (I’m pretty sure my dad will haunt me if I don’t pray for his soul. I have told my children the same thing. It’s a good policy!)
It’s a wonderful post. The part about gossip made me feel small. Wow our sins do affect so many people. I’m glad you got the beautiful art “back” and the history is interesting.
Hi Father Gordon!
I always learn something new from you and I so look forward to your posts.
You have given up everything that you had to remain true to Him.
You are a good and faithful servant.
You may not have material riches but you have His treasure stored up for you beyond measure. You have His everlasting love and the love of all those who pray for you and hold you up to Him. When you come into my mind I pray for you.
It is also very hard for us to see what has happened to you
and not feel anger at those who caused it. That is my
resolution this year, to pray for those who cause hurt rather then condemn. That takes a big blessing from God and the saints!
So happy that you have your special picture again.
Mary is letting you know that she is there with you.
God bless you my friend and thank you for being YOU!
Jeannie
Thank You, Father, and your helpers for this website. I wonder if Fr Neuhaus and Cardinal Dulles are sitting on each shoulder as you type
Perhaps you could comment further and explain the different dates for the celebration of Easter between the East and the Western churches.
“Jesus Loves You”
Dear Father MacRae, I’ve only discovered your post since November, so I have much back reading to do, so thank you for referring to old posts each time you write.
You deeply touch me each time I read your words. Today what rang home was the thought of losing all. Many years ago (about 12 I believe) my father first learned he had prostate cancer, and while we all fight our inner demons, one night in a dream Satan told me to deny Christ or I would lose everyone one I loved. I said NO, but with fear and anxiety, not bravely. He began with my father and killed him in front of me, as he smiled in glee.
I don’t remember who came next or after that, only that my husband and four children and siblings and all the people I loved and his face seemed to get more hideous and I screamed NO louder but with more desperation! I eventually awoke full of sweat and a pounding heart, but with the feeling that Satan had gone away. I did not feel I said no of my own response, but like an automatic voice of no options, no choice. Needless to say it was the most frightening dream I’ve ever had.
Material posessions seem to mean little after that dream. I’ve lost loved ones over the years, and watched friends lose children. I guess that is my biggest fear, and I thank God when my three “drivers” arrive home safely, and at the same time apologize to God for not feeling more trust. I’ve heard Johnette Benkovic’s sad story of losing her grown son to a late night car accident after he returned from Iraq, and a friend lost her college senior to a car accident five months from graduation.
I know you must feel a sense of loss to have nothing to touch or hold that brings your happy past close to you, but doesn’t it feel sometimes like God is selfish and he wants ALL of us? There was a time not long ago that I felt I had no friendships (though I am married and have four children and a large extended family), but no one who truly understood me or could console me. I finally, though much journaling, rejoiced that God was calling me to Him. He wanted no one to come between us.
I love the people who surround me, but they should never be expected to fill the needs that only God is capable of doing. Is it not like that with possessions? When we are stripped down to bare essentials, or even lacking those, we cling to him, even in desperation. Those who have little or nothing have little or nothing to come between themselves and God. Those who have much, especially who value those “things” too highly, have a massive chasm between them and God.
It is certainly a hard concept to pass on to my children. I grew up with very little, but wanted much. I attained much, but it wasn’t fulfilling. I am grateful I learned this early and that it hasn’t been too painful. I pray for you. I pray that you can reach out and feel God’s presence with you in the moments you need him most. God Bless you and I will continue to read your thoughts, and keep you in my prayers. Jo
It is always a pleasure to read what you have written, dear Father.
It is sad to read about all your losses over the many years you have been in prison. What can a person respond to another’s losses? I feel for you. I try to understand. I have lost people and things in my life too. But not in the same way you have. I am reminded of wise words given in scripture, such as, “let not your hearts be troubled” and “all things are passing.”
And yes, the changes in the Mass are taking some time to get used to, but it is happening. I do love those pew cards. I find that I am following more closely and paying more attention to the words we say at Mass. I have to. I take my hat off to all priests who have more to think about than we do. And to people who are new to the faith, like your buddy Pornchai. But as my son always reminds me, “it’s all good Mom”. God’s will be done.
Dear Fr. Neuhaus and Cardinal Dulles are fondly remembered by all who saw and heard them. Without knowing them personally, I felt they were my friends too. May they enjoy the rewards of God’s eternal home.
And thanks Fr. for the information on the calendar. My husband and I were recently discussing leap year and how it all began. You filled in some things for us.
God bless you today and each day of this new year Fr. Thanks again for coming to us in this way from your cell. I sometimes think of you as a hermit/monk living far away from civilization and writing great volumes for posterity. And so it goes.
All God’s best to you Fr. in this new year.